After the creation of my introductory post a very important question was posed to me. Why did I list Greg as my first love, or my high school sweatheart for that matter?
For those that may not know my past, you might not know that Greg wasn’t my first boyfriend ever, nor was he my last high school love. As a matter of fact, the young man I dated right after Greg became my first husband after dating from 1994 to 1998. We eventually got married after a 3 year engagement in a wedding that was doomed from the beginning. But I was determined to follow through with the wedding that I put together and paid for by myself, just out of my own pride and stubbornness. We separated 6 months later and divorced afterwards, but he was definitely a part of my “love” history and many would consider him my high school sweatheart. So why did I share that Greg was my first love and my high school sweetheart. Well, that requires me to share that it wasn’t until recently that I understood what love really is.
Back when I was a sophomore in high school, I was desperate for love. I lived in a pretty violent, inconsistent home and my escape was school. I was a very good student and was involved in as many activities as was legally and humanly possible. I had a schedule that provided a decent amount of distraction and got me out of the house, but it wasn’t enough to fill my heart. I was hungry for love and affection in a very real and desperate way. And like most insecure young woman, I sought it in all the wrong ways. I did not grow up knowing Christ, so the value of waiting until marriage before being intimate with someone fell on deaf ears as I witnessed my own mother stay in an abusive, dysfunctional relationship with her boyfriend of 16 years; at that point her advice seemed pretty ridiculous and invalid to me. My body was the only thing that I had control over, and I would exercise that control to the fullest. After I was deeply hurt by a young man that I thought “loved me”, I became very angry and my disgust for myself led me to believe that no one would ever really love me. And so I just thought I would see relationships like most men did: as a tool. Yet, deep down I was hurting and still in great need of love, encouragement, respect and acceptance.
Soon after I endured more than my fair share of self inflicted pain, Greg started to pursue me. And not just asking me to hang out or anything, but continually flirting, talking, make jokes, following me…anything to get my attention. But because Greg was and still is a jokester – I never took his advances seriously. So it was months that he pursued me until I finally I got the idea that he was really interested in ME. His kind understanding nature was a much needed instrument in mending to my wounded hurt. We talked and I was able to share some of the trouble that I was going through – that no one at school knew about because I was too humiliated to let anyone know about that world. Greg became my best friend and completed the title of boyfriend in a way that was convenient for my hectic schedule and needs. I never had such an easy time talking to anyone or known someone willing to listen so unselfishly. Of course, as life would have it, I was on a mission and too grown up for my own good. I was making plans for the future and Greg was enjoying being a kid in high school. We drifted our separate ways, but always maintained a wonderful love and respect that was very unique and special for me.
Of course, you know what happened after that as I provided before. But it’s important you know the foundation of the friendship and love that I had for Greg then, as that became part of the foundation for our reuniting. Spring forward to 2007 and I am finally waking up from many years of lost living. I finally have found Christ and I am beginning to really understand what love is. As John 3:16 provided me a new understanding that love was sacrifice as His word shows us that “God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” I couldn’t imagine giving up one of my daughters for someone else to be saved and now I was learning that God did this for the whole world, let alone for me!
As God softened my heart, and Greg and I began to figure out how to make this newly rekindled relationship work, I realized that not only were we working through the healing of our hearts and minds; God was also restoring our ability to really love that had been stolen from both of us. I can honestly look back on my life the 29 years prior to coming to Christ and admit I did not have a clue on how to really love, although I had been in “love” numerous times. Granted I wasn’t too bad at the physical and immediate aspects of loving others, but it wasn’t until I read 1 Corinthians 13 that I really started learning how to apply loving as God instructs us to love. 1 Corinthians 13:3 states “If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.“ It continues in verses 4 – 8 by detailing what Love really is: “4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. 8 Love never fails…”
These were such piercing realizations to my spirit as I can honestly admit I had never completely loved in these ways. I was jealous, and I surely kept a list of all of the wrongs done to me, and even used wrongs from my past to hurt and manipulate others that weren’t even involved in the original pain. I did not understand what submission was, and I was determined to be independent. I swore to myself that I would never allow myself to subject to any man’s rule, command or abuse, ever. Between my own hurts and the hurts I witnessed among the women in my family, I was convinced that remaining in control in relationships was the only way to protect the deepest parts of my heart. After being married and divorced twice, I was in such great denial that I just shrugged it off any pain I had felt and was determined to start over, just like I always did.
But my marriage to Greg was different. I wasn’t the most important person, and neither was he. Christ was…and is. He is continually healing and teaching me how to really love Him first, then my husband, children, family and even myself.
So when I say that I married my first love, I’ve come to realize that the first relationship that I was blessed to have someone love me without keeping a count of the wrongs I had done, who was willing to protect me and trusted me even when I didn’t deserve it was with my best friend Greg; that is why I will always consider him my first real love. I thank God each and every day that He gave me a second chance to love and serve Him and Greg the ways they truly deserve.
